Fun with fiction

“Well, that was about as satisfying as a failed nose pick.”

Uncle Roland had a talent for saying what no sane person should say. He was particularly good at inventing similes that – while possibly turning your stomach – made perfect sense. He could create figurative wonders out of excrement, various bodily sera and mucus, flatulence, and any number of disfiguring diseases (think leprosy).

The object of tonight’s Rolandism was the dinner served at the 23rd Annual Adelbert B. Adriaansen Memorial Banquet. The dinner was awful.

In 1957, Adelbert had come one shy of setting the all-time high school football record for most extra points kicked in a game. He had 23 in Wibbleboro High’s shellacking of poor Watersmeet High School (team of 13 total players). Wibbleboro’s Flying Dutchmen defeated the Watersmeet Nimrods 185 – 3. Adriaasen was the closest thing Wibbleboro ever had to a legitimate hero.

The actual record is documented as belonging to Nelson Stuit – kicker for Muskegon High School. He split the uprights on 24 of 30 attempts when Muskegon battled Hastings High School to a 216 – 0 drubbing on September 28, 1912.

Adriaansen worked as a high tension wire serviceman after graduating from Wibbleboro in 1958. For 34 years, he happily dangled from the highest of highs and, even as a supervisor, would scale the tall steel towers. He loved his job. Unusual cold fronts in the summer of 1992 kept daytime temperatures in Michigan often in the upper 50s. Couple the cooler temperatures with tower elevations often approaching 180 feet, any wind would make the work more difficult and certainly more dangerous.

Well, as much as we’d like, we can’t blame weather on Adriaansen’s death. Adelbert was inspecting the refitting of several towers on a sparkling June day when a freakish train of events resulted in his death. He never was very compliant with his physician’s directives – and having turned 50 a couple years back, he kept postponing his (as he put it) “look under the hood.” In truth, Adelbert thought it more than freakish that people would submit to colonoscopies. “That ain’t right,” was his mantra.

Adriaansen’s wife, Marti (with an “i” just ask her) – the Wibbleboro’s 1957 homecoming queen and mother to 5 Adriaansen children – finally insisted that Adelbert submit to the inhuman procedure. She didn’t know he went to work the day when he should have been prepping. He decided he could swing the towers while taking the “goddam drink.”

The first hour went fine. Unfortunately, Adelbert didn’t anticipate the urgency of the prep and found himself 50 yards in the air when having to, well, you know.

His aerial accident sadly served as an electrical conduit from a 500-kV line. He never knew what hit him. Of course, Uncle Roland had some line about boiled butts and ignited intestines that I’ve happily forgotten.

The memorial dinner – despite its inauspicious origins – does a fair amount of good in our community. Everyone pays $25 to attend and there is a cash bar. The caterer (Waleed’s Deli and Liquor Emporium) donates much of the meal and the Moose bartenders (the International Order of the Moose has the largest venue in our town) all split their tips with the dinner’s annual cause. In the past, the fire department got equipment, the library built new study carrels, and (most frequently) the town has enjoyed a stellar Independence Day fireworks celebration.

Which brings us to this year’s cause.

Wibbleboro was founded by three families – Dutch immigrants who decided to venture west rather than stay in what is today New York. Quite a bit of western Michigan was founded by Dutch immigrants and “Van” is a far more common prefix to surnames than “Mc” or “Abu”. These three families were part of big resettlement coming from New York destined to found towns like Wibbleboro and what is now Michigan’s town of Holland – known for its annual tulip festival and other ethnic celebrations.

The Adriaansen, the Van Schorel, and the Van Leeuwenhoeck families founded Wibbleboro and their DNA has remained dominant in the county. Why they didn’t join the other immigrant families who founded other settlements remains speculation (though few among the townspeople are loath to offer their narratives).

Nonetheless, the de facto trustees of the annual Adelbert B. Adriaansen dinner voted (4-3) to upgrade the kitchen at the International Order of the Moose believing that community gatherings would all benefit from having better facilities. Four of the trustees are Moose members.

“Maybe next year’s dinner won’t taste like a puke sandwich dipped in horse spit,” opined Roland.



Some resources:

http://www.maxpreps.com/news/btn1o1QxYkuYYbouFp6YDg/top-13-unbreakable-high-school-football-records-that-have-actually-been-broken.htm

There is an argument that Stuit doesn’t hold the record: The record is purported to be 27 extra points. Ten years before Stuit booted his 24 extra points, a player listed only as "Kelting" (newspapers weren't real good about using first names of high school players back in 1902) kicked 27 extra points in Moline's 172-0 win over Galva. The record is listed with the Illinois High School Association.

http://www.americanwx.com/bb/index.php/topic/39392-1992-michigans-year-without-a-summer/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transmission_tower